The Rise

[Hannibal]

And the giant trees rose from the fog,
that hung like a giant canopy,
Dripping its sweat along the boughs of every tree,
touching everything it could, destined to leave nothing unscathed.
Shades of green, drawn closed to simple shades of grey.
Everything seemed to draw together,
the wood seemed to shink with the pressure that abounded around it,
Worries dissipated into the undisputed night that was to come,
as the white evening collapsed onto the forest floor,
Unforgiving in it's fevor.
it's sweat, your sweat, mingling until you've lost yourself in it.
all drawn away, swept into an abyss of cloudlike sedation,
Where there is no dark, no light,
No night or no day,
And everything stand still, until you arrive to show it the way.
It's waiting for you to stop, to let it consume, and it will,
It always consumes.

[machinery]

a good idea done well..

a couple things...the use of giant twice isn't doing it for me....maybe another word for giant all together...

and why is the fogging waiting for me to show the way?

[Hannibal]

GEesh... yuck.. i did use giant twice didn't I?
I just spat this out on a whim... while listening to that good ole' ambient works album we used to adore so much [img]wink.gif[/img]
but I guess with some cleaning trimming, pruning and editing it wouldn't be a bad peice

[SHATOUSHKA]

i have issues with the first line.

upon reading it... i want to know more about
the trees, not the fog. maybe its due to my
subconscious need to have the subject first
*shrugs* i'm gay....

but if you were to switch placement....

something something FOG something something TREES,
i'd want to know more about the fog [img]redface.gif[/img]

[Hannibal]

maybe if you'd switch your attitude from..
"hanny your poetry sucks" to... something like "hanny you rule and i wanna do you"..... then maybe i'd actually CARE about your OPINION!
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j'k... dually noted! I'll see what I can do [img]wink.gif[/img]